Dumped & Divorced

Lonely vs. Alone: How Two Sisters Rebuilt Their Lives

• Natalie & Maressa • Season 2 • Episode 3

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The journey from heartbreak to healing isn't linear, but it's a path many of us walk at some point in our lives. As sisters who've both experienced profound loss—from broken engagements and divorce to the passing of loved ones—we've discovered that understanding the difference between loneliness and solitude is crucial to recovery.

Loneliness is an involuntary state, characterized by pain and disconnection. It's that aching void when someone who was woven into your daily routines suddenly vanishes. The morning conversations, weekend plans, and shared dreams—all gone. This involuntary emptiness feels suffocating, especially when it's thrust upon you without warning. For Maressa, whose engagement ended after nearly eight years together, this loneliness was particularly acute. For Natalie, whose separation happened while raising young children, the loneliness was complicated by the constant state of fight-or-flight that kept her functioning for her kids.

But there's a profound transformation that happens when you learn to shift from loneliness to solitude. Unlike loneliness, solitude is voluntary—it's making peace with your own company and finding strength in independence. We share how "hot girl walks," reading, running, and therapy became lifelines during this transition. The difference is striking: loneliness drains while solitude nourishes.

What we've learned through our parallel journeys is that emotions fluctuate—you might feel strong one day and triggered the next. Years later, finding old engagement cards or save-the-dates can still bring waves of feeling. That's normal and part of the process. The healing isn't about avoiding these emotions but learning to sit with them, acknowledge them, and continue moving forward.

Remember: learning to be at peace with being alone is the first step to never feeling truly lonely again. If you're navigating heartbreak right now, know that while the path isn't easy, the strength you'll discover within yourself will be worth every difficult step

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello. Welcome to Dumped and Divorced. We are two sisters who talk about life after heartbreak. My name is Natalie.

SPEAKER_01:

And my name is Marissa. And this is our podcast.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, it is. So welcome back, guys. This is episode three of our second season. And we're so excited to be back. It's been a couple of weeks since you've heard us on your radios or earbuds or however you hear your podcast these days. And we are here with um a pretty intentional topic that Marissa and I both experienced as we've learned to navigate our new life after heartbreak, the whole concept of this podcast. So, Marissa, why don't you tell them a little bit about what that topic's gonna be today?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, absolutely. So today we are going to dive into loneliness, right? What it's like and what it is being versus being alone. So we want to elaborate on that, right? Because after Natalie and I went through our breakups, we did have this new phase where we could have felt alone or we were trying to understand what it's like being alone. So what that difference is. Um we're gonna also kind of talk about the grief and learning to enjoy your own company because I know that's something I really heavily leaned in on, and then also bring in our dad's grief, you know, because we actually experienced two types of griefs, griefs within, you know, a span of a couple of years, love grief and uh, you know, like a passing grief, right? Because there's a bucket, if you will, of both categories, and so we'll kind of elaborate on that um and discuss how how we handled and survived said said loneliness phase of what we were going through.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So um I've always kind of said going through a breakup, you have to grief, right? I think that's one of the seven stages of um what is it, anger is the is it or is it you're thinking of seven stages of actually I think it is grief, right?

SPEAKER_01:

It's anger, sadness.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, there's grief in one of the stages of just feelings. Um and you know, taking it back even further, we like it started before dad. Um because like in 2022 is when we felt our heartbreak grief. And then you in January, me in May, and then in October of that year, we lost our older half-brother um to cancer. It was a quick cancer and an aggressive cancer, and it was like one day he was fine, and then the next day he was in the hospital, and then within the week, um he he left, right? He went on. And there was just you know, we're still managing how to figure out how to be ourselves, like this new version of us without somebody that's been, you know, our our anchor for so many years. So for us specifically, it's just been a long couple of years of of just figuring out your emotions and going through that. So I like what you said though, um regarding the loneliness. So tell me, tell me a little bit about how how did you process that?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Well, it was it was interesting, right? Because I was with said my ex for you know a handful of years, right? I would say we were on, honestly, at this rate I can't remember, but I want to say seven or eight years of being together. So that person was my day-to-day, right? He was involved in my routines. It was a constant conversation I had nearby, uh, you know, our relationship with love. So when he no longer was in the picture, I had to realize that there was gonna be a change in my routine because I didn't have him to text, you know, good morning, or I hope you have a great day, or what's our plans today, or what are we doing this weekend? It was not like a depending me of him, but we just we just we always were doing stuff together, right? So you indeed did lose a companion, a friend. And so when that was no longer, he was no longer in my life, I was trying to adapt to I need to be okay with being alone because I got so used to having him in my life where I could have felt almost codependent on him. So when that reality kind of hit me, it was like, I need to learn how to be okay with being alone, but also not feeling lonely, right? So staying busy or picking up hobbies. And I mentioned this before, we both did, we both picked up reading, I run, right? And a lot of the times I took Bentley on these runs or I went on what I used to call my hot girl walks, right? So there were these things that while I was doing activities solely for me, I wasn't necessarily trying to like I was trying to avoid feeling quote unquote alone, right? Or just having that, you know, sadness of, oh, what do I do? I'm so alone. It's no, you got to shift that mindset and be like, what can I do that's good for my mental health, where I am by myself, but I'm not feeling that loneliness or that constant dread of like cloud over me.

SPEAKER_00:

I know what I want to just kind of distinguish there while loneliness and being alone are similar in a sort, they're completely different, right? Like you've kind of talked about um being alone and trying to figure out the balance between um we're gonna call it that solitude because essentially that's what it is. You being alone is you've become comfortable and comfortable with being by yourself without that loneliness feeling. Right, and how I think one of the key things with with that um journey in itself is the uh the place where you're able to reflect, get your peace, um, start to enjoy your own company. And you've you did that by running and finding those hobbies. Um but I think the difference between loneliness and solitude is simply, you know, where in loneliness you're still feeling that pain, you're still um, you know, lacking that connection. Where in solitude, did I say that right? Yeah, I said loneliness is yeah, pain and lack of connection. Where solitude, you're giving yourself the opportunity to self-understand yourself, to create a new space for yourself, and then just nourish your your mind, your spirit, your body with um where you are in that journey.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that was like that was a very textbook answer. Like that was really good, a good dis explanation or description because sometimes you think they are the same, right? And that's kind of why we wanted to elaborate a little bit more on today's episode. But I also feel like it's like an emotional state, right? Sometimes you might not realize you're in that state because you're just disconnected from a lot of things and you're going through the process of feeling that where it it may it may make you try to understand what am I doing to overcome said said emotion.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I mean, you have it it, I think it's a process, right? Where you start lonely, you you kind of just have to work through the the pain of that individual not being there with you. And I mean, for example, you I think faced it harder than me, per se, because even though like your ex-fiance was what like you guys were basically living together. You guys were doing everything, it was you were consumed, you were wedding planning, you were in the trenches. Whereas me, you know, I don't I don't think I ever felt truly alone because throughout my process I've always had my kids in a sense. Yeah. So I mean, I was so I had to show up for them. And they didn't, you know, for them it was a transition, but I think, you know, I applaud you for for working through it. I think your loneliness stage, and at the time looking back, I didn't understand why it kind of took you longer to get past the loneliness to your solitude. Um, but now reflecting, I realize it's because I didn't necessarily have that path like you did, right? Because I that solitude never it was kind of like one minute I was married and had a partner, and then the next I I had to be comfortable with solitude because the loneliness piece wasn't gonna affect me as much because I had three kids that you know relied on me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And that's a really good point because I do remember you and mom kind of not getting on to me, but almost like saying, like, Marissa, like, come on, like, what's going on? What's happening? Like, let's, you know, let's keep moving in a sense. And I'm like, okay, first of all.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I mean, I think I want to say it was Yeah, I think it was like towards May, where you were going to, I think there was a wedding happening, and um then you didn't end up going, but you wanted to go because you have that yes mentality. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Um yes to my yes mentality.

SPEAKER_00:

And I don't I don't think that you ended up going.

SPEAKER_01:

No, yeah, you're right. There was two weddings that were fairly within the six months range where I had to step away. And one of them, there's a little bit more to it, right? Because uh there was a deeper dive into I get it. Yeah, so it was kind of like I felt like I wasn't wanted in a sense, but I had to, you know, say, I'm I apologize, but I think I can't. And there was another one and that I draw.

SPEAKER_00:

That's the one that I'm thinking of.

SPEAKER_01:

You're thinking of that one. You're thinking of the big one where um I removed myself from the wedding party. I yeah, yeah. Um, because again, it would have been really hard. And in the time I thought I could have done it, but now I'm so grateful that I allowed myself to take that, make that decision and also protect my heart because whoof, that would have been a whole other section of overcoming if I did go to that wedding and I did see my ex and all of that stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Correct. So before we I want to definitely like with that wedding, for example, now you would probably have the strength to go and feel comfortable in your solitude. Yes. Right. Thousand percent because you've adapted, you've kind of reflected. I feel like solitude is a time of just major reflection. Whereas if you would have gone to that wedding in May, um, just five months after your breakup, you would have been, I don't want to say victimizing yourself, but you would have been um neg like you wouldn't have been as positive and as strong because that it that involuntary pain of just the lack of connection and being without would have been still so fresh.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Oh my gosh, totally. And it would have almost taken me maybe two steps back in my in my process in my progress. So um, which, you know, it's important to allow yourself to take a step back and say, will this be good for me in the future? How will this help in my healing process? Because everyone's healing journey is somewhat similar. We all have to go through those emotions and those stages of grief, right? Anger, bitterness, denial, sadness, depression. I might have known all of them. I can't tell. But you know, we're all going through those emotions, whether if not at the same pace or not at the same order, but we all do feel those things. And so I'm grateful that I took that time for myself because I think it's helped me tremendously for like future self, which is where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, yeah, and I think one thing that we should definitely highlight is the main difference between another key factor in lonely versus solitude and being comfortable with being alone is one is negative and one is positive, right? And no matter what you experience in life. I can hear Bentley licking his waterfall.

SPEAKER_01:

Whoopsie.

SPEAKER_00:

Um whatever you experience in life, there's you have to it's a balancing act, right? Not everything, like we're living in a world where where not everything is positive, and it's okay to kind of sit in the in the feelings that negativity kind of um creates. So we're posit um where solitude is a positive approach and the loneliness is negative. Because yeah, because solitude is something that you are voluntarily at peace with. Like you have volunte you have volunt your voluntary, like whereas loneliness is involuntary. Like that was something that you didn't choose.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, correct. Versus in your case, you you you were able it was just different, right? Sorry, I did not mean to to like No, it's good.

SPEAKER_00:

My I'm looking at this like reflection of the light and my glass skin.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it's like, well, your skin is looking fresh and tight, sis.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, the age. Every time I tell someone my age, they're like, what?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Oh my god. Well, let's just say someone thought I was Natalie's sister. It was hilarious. And I was like, Natalie for me. No, I'm sorry, not sister. I am your sister. Dumb. Someone thought I was daughter. Yes, yes. Whoa. Did you hear that? That kind of well, yeah. There was like a beam. Um, yeah, someone thought I was Natalie's daughter one time. And then someone thought I was in high school, and I was like, Thanks, guys. I'm taking really good care of my skin. Us millennials are now focusing on our skincare and our skin is looking snatched.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Speaking of skin, total derail, but like it's funny, I had I was telling a friend um that out of no matter no matter how tired I am, I will not go to bed without cleaning my face and just doing my 17 steps in my serums. Um, that's an exaggeration. It's maybe like five. Five. I would say five, yeah. Yeah. Um, but you know, anyways, so yeah, your skin is looking good.

SPEAKER_01:

So the gloss, the the the the shimmer is is is looking, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

But what is it? The glass skin.

SPEAKER_01:

The glass, yeah, the glass, the glassy look.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So um well, let's talk about your loneliness too, because you kind of briefly mentioned it. Um you were saying how you had your kids, but walk me through that process, you know, you kind of also elaborated on how you didn't understand when I was going through it, why it was I was having such a hard time. What was it like for you? And were you just in that fight or flight mode, constantly thinking in your kids, and I'm you know, I'm doing this for them in a sense.

SPEAKER_00:

So I'm gonna uh there's a dang it. When I always go to look at the word, um so it's called your amygdala. Okay, so your amygdala is the piece of your brain that detects potential threats and sends signals to the other part of your brain that basically releases hormones, activates your nervous systems, aka adrenaline, and cortisol. Okay. So for me, I was, and I think I've mentioned this before, I was in a state of fight or flight for a very long time. Like a very long time. And I was doing full-on hour sessions with my therapist. Um after the event happened, like after the separation happened, um, it was twice a week. And then I would say probably um four, like maybe six months in, we trimmed it down to once a week. Um, and then you know, it tick it trickled off, and now I mean I haven't spoken to her in maybe three months. But um, but yeah, so for me it was figuring out how to get out of that flight, fight or flight. And I was on high alert, like not not because of anything other than just what I went through and um learning how to adapt to that. Because I'll tell you this when I when I went through my separation, my kids were a lot smaller. Like right now, I'm in a very comfortable stage of life where um I mean I'm always worried about them. I'm always like looking out after them, but it's different, it's different when they're much younger and less dependent. So um for me, I I was a shell, you know. I I had to, I was lonely and I had to learn how to just live in that solitude. But um I was at peace with it, which is kind of I know like an oxymoron, because um I knew that in the end this would be better for everybody.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So yeah, that's a little bit about me. Um, you know, and the whole thing with fight or flight, people talk about it all the time, is it's a temporary situation, right? Like it's not, it's like if you were outside on a walk and you run into a bear, like your amygdala flares and triggers, and that fight or flight just naturally happens, but then it goes away, right? Like, I mean your adrenaline is still pumping for a couple of for a little bit afterwards, right? Or anytime you go through a situation, but then it levels out, and then you're like, okay, you know, life is normal. For me, that was not the case. I was just high alert for a long time, which is why I had to I had to soak in being alone. Like I had to soak in um and feeling that lone, lonesomeness. Um and then I would say probably like it took me about six months. Then I was finally like, okay, everything is fine. I'm okay, they're okay, we're okay. Um, this is just my life now. And I'm actually very comfortable being alone. Like being in the solitude. Um because I don't know, I just I really I have I'm a romantic at heart. However, it's just not worth it to me to have to go through all the things that people have to go through nowadays. Um because then it just leaves them back in that loneliness. Like I've adapted to being on my own.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, not really relying on anybody other than your family. Correct.

SPEAKER_00:

I I I do rely on I'm not saying that I don't rely on my people because I do. I in order for me to do everything that I need to do, sometimes there are times where I have to call in the troops and they help me. Um many times that is. Who are the troops? Me and mom. Yeah, and like some of them step in. Yeah, and like even I have yeah, I have to figure some things out for something happening in a couple of weeks where um I have to, you know, plan ahead for the kids. But I've I think I'm we're in a in a season of thriving. Um with where we are.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I would say we're both thriving, maybe. Yeah.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. We're in that, we're now in that we've overcome that peak and we are in happiness, uh, solitude, peace, all those happy emotions that you could, you know, joy, right? In the what's the the the kid movie with the city? Inside out inside out, right? Joy's like always controlling all the emotions, and so we're in that we're in that we're in that time where Joy's not having to do all the movements inside the brain.

SPEAKER_00:

I do like how that second movie though, um, Joy kind of is a control freak in movie one, where if sadness comes or if anger comes, you know, she'll like quick to switch Riley back to happy and joyful. But in season two, the anxiety piece movie two, movie two, movie two, the anxiety piece, um, they learn to work together. So, you know, I think I think you know, that was a good, a good lesson for everybody. I know I was like, oh my god, this is my life. Anxiety and stress and trying to be happy. Um but it's okay if you're not it's okay if you're not always happy and joyful. It is a-okay. So all of this to say, we're gonna wrap it up, that when you go through a hard time, you're gonna naturally live in the negative for a little bit, right? Um, why did this happen? Why me? This isn't how I planned my life. None of us planned our life like that, but in the end, that that um success of solitude and peace and self-reflection and um, you know, just comfort and being alone, like in your own presence is exactly, you know, the end goal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So well, and I also want to note, right, because we mentioned the stages briefly, that there is no linear process process, right? There is no timeline. You know, Natalie mentioned that mine was a little bit longer than yours, right? Because I was going through a different phase, if you will. And you can fluctuate your emotions. It's totally normal to be happy and then be sad. I think sometimes people feel like they can't be sad about it. And the thing is, absolutely your your brain and your body is going through something traumatic and you're trying to overcome it. It's okay to have those fluctuating emotions. And also it's okay to have triggering moments as well, right? There's been that whole year of my me getting over said breakup, was there were things that were happening or songs or scents, and I would just get really triggered and get sad, right? Actually, not I'm not gonna lie, the the other day, um, since I'm cleaning out my storage unit, now you don't know this. Um, I was cleaning up my storage unit and I was getting some boxes that I knew had like files and knickknacks and things that I just didn't need at the time. Well, I opened said box and it was a handful of things from my engagement, right? All of my engagement cards from the parties and my save the dates. And I had a moment to myself where I was really upset. Um and it's okay, like even to even to say all these years later, it's okay to feel those emotions. And that was triggering because those were save the dates that we made together, you know, and just things like that where it's okay to allow that wave of emotion to come through. And, you know, just be kind to yourself because in the end, you're going through what you're going through, but you will be okay and your grief process will slowly come to an end. And then you will look back and reflect like Natalie and I are, and think, wow, like we're glad that we went through that because we're in our happy, happy era. And it's it was all worth it in the end.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I agree with everything you said. Um okay, we're gonna end it on one on a quote that I found when I was like researching this. So learning to be at peace with being alone is the first step to truly never feeling lonely again.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So if you find yourself in a time where where you're lonely, um find your hobbies, l soak in the silence and um find that inner peace. And eventually one day you will find yourself being like, wow, I got through that. I'm so much stronger. And um, you know, the lessons that you learn throughout that process will be life-changing for you for sure.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. We didn't elaborate about dad's grief, which I think that could be a whole other topic of discussion, which maybe in our sense we wanted to just focus on the love grief. Um but but yeah, I mean, again, just be kind to yourself. And I love that quote, Natalie. It was so good. Um anything else? Nothing for me. Um, I thought that was a pretty solid segment of loneliness.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Oh, my hair. Um, okay. Well, as always, we appreciate you guys tuning in and listening to our podcast. Um, if there's ever a topic that you would like us to talk about, feel free to send us a message on Instagram. If we don't respond to your message, it means that we did not get it. So send it again and hopefully it'll trigger the algorithm and um we'll eventually get it. But yes. Um what else is um oh if like subscribe.

SPEAKER_01:

We'll like and follow.

SPEAKER_00:

Like and follow our podcast. And now that we got the video situated, we'll do um some of these snips on Instagram. But we love you, and thank you for our people who listen in and let us have this outlet to connect with you.

SPEAKER_01:

Um yes, feel less alone, which that goes hand in hand with today's episode. And also tune in in two weeks. Remember, we mentioned we're gonna do this every two weeks due to our busy schedules. So we will be back in two weeks to talk about another topic. And we will maybe post a teaser on Instagram. What were you gonna say to this?

SPEAKER_00:

I was gonna say we'll see you then.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, and we'll see you then. Okay, guys. Well, have a great rest of your day or weekend whenever you're listening to this. And we can't wait to come back and chat with you guys next week or in two weeks. I just said that. Sorry, let's see.

SPEAKER_00:

Perfect. Doodles guys.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye.

Contributor

Maressa

Host
Contributor

Natalie

Host